It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino