Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.