It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose