It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Feels
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
