It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
who did the taste test?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*Inspirational Tweets*
