Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

waiter: would you like the bill?

me: no thanks

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.