it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog