“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year
Good morning.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
The funk soul brother
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry