“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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a lot to unpack here
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
(after sex)
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