“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
liiiiiiiiike
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My dream car is a taco truck.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
