Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.