“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT


Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.


“Get your poop in a group” is a childish way of saying “get your shit together” but I prefer my take of “gather the pieces of your feces”


Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:


There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-


Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear