“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
You Might Also Like
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.