“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Breaking news:
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.