“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
