“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
How is it still this week?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman