“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
(Jupiter –
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway