@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

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@RudeFunPillow

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@JustDontBugMe

[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.

@TylerLinkin

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

@amydillon

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

@DigitalDropz

My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.

@Spaziotwat

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

@joshgondelman

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.