@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

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@Jake_Vig

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

@BlairLoudly

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

@SenseiSandwich

*draws a sharpie mustache on my grandma*
lol you cant hang loser.
passin out w/ shoes on? rookie
“Sir please step away from the casket”

@nedprice

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

@iwearaonesie

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

@UnFitz

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

@WritePlay

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

@mydanimarie

It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.

@LimeyTheGreat

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.