“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

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i havent decided yet


i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter


*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.


To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.


[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.


My relationship with my Ex was very psychological…she’s psycho and I’m logical.


[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”


Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.