“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
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Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
perfect
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]