“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
You Might Also Like
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.