“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
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My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”