Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot