It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]