It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
Trying
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
can’t talk my ride’s here
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?