It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
You Might Also Like
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right