It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
i meant to share this earlier
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.