It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.