It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened