Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Our lord and savoury.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Always

My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it