“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.