“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into