It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”