It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
You Might Also Like
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.