It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
why I oughta
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.