It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
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Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?