Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.