It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
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Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
men, we mow at sunrise.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.