It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
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i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
TODAY
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Good morning y’all ☀️
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it