It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave