It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
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what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.