It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
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[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“you changed” bro i was 15
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.