Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

me as a parent

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger