It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹