It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*