It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
You Might Also Like
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
🤣🤣
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.