It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
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[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Solving a traffic jam
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
😅🤣😂
