It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
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I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.