Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.