Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted