Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.