It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
You Might Also Like
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
All generalizations are stupid.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I feel attacked.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.