It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline