Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Probably my best painting.

Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure

Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.