It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
How can I say no to this ?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking