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Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.