It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
This meal prepping shit is easy
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
How it started: How it’s going:
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
