It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…