It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
I wish I could veto my bills.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.