Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”