It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO