Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”