@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

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@gobmentcheese

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

@BassoonJokes

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@JillianKarger

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@MEQ_777

I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

@susie_qsie

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.