It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.


all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second


My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.


My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.


This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.


[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?


I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?


“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”


Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.