It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Noah
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
the icebreaker
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I have never related to a cat more
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body