it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
congratulations to them
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.