Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the

Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money

me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?

US: lmao

me: ?

US: are you serious

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

I would move hell over six inches for you

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.