it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
The Book. The Movie.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]