it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
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I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.