Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house

…without stopping.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

her: what do u do

me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs

her: are u serious ??

me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

what’s the point then??

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!