Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

ㅤ

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works