It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Body by burrito
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.