It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys