It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
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mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front