It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
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OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.