Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
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HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.
EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
ppl: are u sick?
me: no, im just ugly
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy