It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

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HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish


When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.


EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.


Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.


defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy