It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
You Might Also Like
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
choose your gary
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they