‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
scared to check what name she chose
My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
i smell a pulitzer
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.