‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
This checks out
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.