App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
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American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.