One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.