Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.